Car 5

Mr Victor Dowie

Outward appearance

Short, athletic black man in mid 20s, sleepily slumped, grinning, occasionally shaking his head in amusement or disbelief.

Inside information

Works as a secretary and sales assistant for Sarf London Security , a shop specializing in locks, bolts, bars and alarms. It's owned by Sanjay Kumar, but managed by Victor's mate Ian, who got him the job. Ian's a fellow Arsenal fan and lets Victor use the shop's computer to lay out his football fanzine. It takes the piss out of the professional football magazine Shoot !. It's called Shit ! .

What he is doing or thinking

Thinking of his next issue. He's just come up with an article called You are the Ref . The reader has to call unusual football violations such as invasion of the pitch by Morris Dancers, or misbehaviour by the giant styrofoam arrow that keeps pointing to the ball. Spot the ball has photographs of football players in showers, shorts etc.

Say Cheese is a more regular feature. It asks for examples of readers' worst ever football memorabilia. Last week a photograph of the Esso 1970 World Cup Coin collection was sent in by novelist Jeffrey Archer. Victor rang the publishers, and it's true. "I think you need to know that Mr Archer threatens to send you," the publicity executive continued, "his collection of football star jam jar lids."

Fame at last. Vic eases out of his seat, still grinning. He's just had another idea. He's going to run a story on Jeffrey Archer memorabilia.

It would be nice if there was a way to make money doing this.

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