Car 6

Tony "Peewee" Hatchet

Outward appearance

Tiny, older man in T-shirt and sneakers. Continually massages a salt-and-pepper beard.

Inside information

Film editor for LWT and director of an educational film version of Beowulf . It is his final effort to be taken seriously as a film maker.

What he is doing or thinking

That he's accidently made the sequel to Monty Python and the Holy Grail . OK, it was low budget and had some bad luck.

The flooded quarry looked perfect for Grendel's lair. Beowulf needed to stride boldly into the waters. Unfortunately, the waters were only three feet deep. In one shot, Beowulf dives in and doesn't sink. In the second, he wades in already dripping wet.

Then there were the horses. Well, ponies. They refused to ride up a hill. Then Beowulf made a John Wayne noise -- "Yeee-ha!". The ponies bolted. Their bareback riders dropped spears, scattered shields, and fell off, swearing. "Whose fucking bright idea was this?"

The flame thrower for the dragon didn't work. Peewee doused Beowulf's shield with petrol and flicked matches at it. The rushes show vapour trails of matches. The shield never caught.

Beowulf's funeral pyre did. Halfway through the scene, the corpse jumps up screaming. They had no more wood for a retake. Saxon warriors wore wristwatches and spectacles. Mobile phones rang during undubbed dialogue.

There is not a single saveable shot.

All his life, Peewee has aimed at dignity. All his life, people have clutched their sides. He is unfailingly funny. His soul aches.

OK, he tells the universe, next time I make a comedy.

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