Car 6

Mr "Bertie Jeeves"

Outward appearance

Huge, loose-limbed black man with no 1 trimmed beard and head, in blue track suit and Planet Hollywood, Beijing cap.

Inside information

Real name Andre Chambers. Manufacturer and retailer of own-brand ice cream. It is a top quality product, which is why its trademark is a snooty Englishman with a monocle. Bertie's vanilla uses real vanille from France. It is full fat, no air. "Like me," Bertie always says. He insists on being called Bertie Jeeves. His wife Frances drew the line at the monocle.

Bertie plays tennis every lunchtime at Archbishops Park , rugby every Saturday and works out every other day. He has developed a rather embarrassing health problem.

What he is doing or thinking

Bertie is suffering from ice cream poisoning. His motions have turned white.

Bertie slips into the giant fridge to cool off after sport and can't stop himself eating ice cream. It's cold, it's liquid; he's hot and thirsty. Before he knows it, he's eaten an entire tub of Real Walnut or Canadian Maple or Surrey Strawberry.

His wife Frances has noticed that stock is missing. She's had to raise the price by ten pence in the pound. She's harangued the staff for theft.

"When I find out who's been spiriting the stuff away, they'll be gone, too," she warned them, "to jail." She tells Bertie. "You're too easy on people."

Bertie lives in dread of Frances' rage. He lives in terror of forgetting to flush the toilet and her finding the evidence.

There are times, he thinks, when I wish I were anorexic.

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