Car 2

Mr Ralph Moles

Outward appearance

About 32, plaid shirt, no sweater, glossy bum-freezer in black vinyl with fake fur interior. An old-fashioned 1950s hat with earflaps. Retreating hair, thin face, a light stubble of beard, black boots.

Inside information

Works as a body-piercing specialist in Courage. This is not a brewery but a rubberware and fetish shop. It has a black shiny awning and rubber draperies across its front window. The shop used to be the neighbourhood butcher's.

What he is doing or thinking

Ralph is still gently stoned from last night. Jamie showed off his new acquisition, yet another heavy ethnic earring hanging from his scrotum. Jamie works out at the YMCA, has shaved pubes, and a spider's web tattooed over his designer-stubble chest. The spider sits on his tit. Stanley and Jane were discussing their investment in an exercise horse, over which to bend people.

For some reason Ralph was unmoved. He excused himself and tumbled into a bed with rubber sheets. Woke up clammy with sweat. Stumbled to the loo and tripped on a leather jock strap. Dazed by the lights, he tried to brush his teeth and found he'd used KY by mistake.

He's sick of everything smelling of old shoes. He finds nothing sexy about nipple clamps, face masks, chains, diapers. Worrying about what else the kitchen grater might have been used for. Who needs any of it?

Ralph wants clean white Y fronts and Hayley Mills fully clothed. How long will this alienation continue? It puts at risk his friendships, leisure pursuits, profession.

Is there a counselor for this kind of thing?

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