You're chatting up a bird at the bar. You say "The beauty of the Web is that you can utilize ftp, pdf or even telnet through one interface."

She says "Naff off, you sexist little nerd."

Do you find yourself using words like "prioritise" or "evanescent" in public? Unable to stop yourself using expressions like "Unix file-naming conventions"?

Do you sound like a puffed up prof, or just like the folks back home? You will know when you use 253's Homely English Guide.

Simply run 253 of your own words through our Ready Reckoner. Here's how it works.

  • Count the number of sentences in your 253 words. Divide 253 by that number. Write down your score. (Hint: the lower the number, the better!)

  • Count the number of three-sound words. Try saying the word syllable. See? It's got three sounds! Count 'em and write the number down! (Hint, the more, the worse!)

  • Take your first ten sentences. Count all the words in total for those sentences only. Divide by ten. Then multiply the number of sentences by that number. (hint, the lower the better)
  • Add all your scores all up. Remember. The lower the score, the better you've done.

    Here's some scores we prepared earlier.

  • Remembrance of Things Past by Marcelle Proust: 367.35
  • The Microsoft Word User's Guide: 320.8
  • Pyramids by Terry Pratchett: 233.8
  • The Sun newspaper: 170.37
  • Oxford Reading Series: Stage One: 0
  • Anything higher than 253... and you're out!!!

    Homely English. It's as plain as the nose on your face.

    another important announcement
    the first important announcement
    First passenger in Car 4
    Car 4 map
    Journey Planner